Amber Langley’s son, Travis, celebrated his first birthday surrounded by family and friends, including a group of coworkers from Langley’s office. She worked as a project manager and, some days, brought her son to her job, where they got to know him.
Shortly before Travis’s second birthday, he passed away in his sleep. That morning, Langley had to call her office to inform them of what had happened- a series of words that was too hard to say. She handed the phone to her dad.
After speaking with her work, Langley received a text from a coworker expressing condolences. She hadn’t had the chance to tell her own mother. Later, when she returned to the office, she was told by another coworker that she knew how she felt: her cat had died.
“There were a lot of things said to me where I think people were trying to say them with the best interests at heart,” Langley said.
“But they weren’t necessarily said with the best interest at heart. I don’t think the care and compassion was there as much as I actually needed it. So I found trying to return back to work a difficult process.”
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Langley now works with charity 4Louis, which supports families going through child loss, still births, and miscarriages. She spoke with the Diversity Project along with co-founder and CEO Bob McGurrell to discuss how workplaces can support families through this time.
Following Langley’s loss, she emphasised the importance of being able to share the news with her colleagues on her own terms.
“Because it was so unexpected, I didn’t want anybody to think that there’d been an accident or that something untoward had happened. It happened very naturally, but it had happened. And I felt like that was my way of having some control – being able to share that information,” Langley said.
In McGurrell’s case, he said he preferred that his coworkers were informed in order to not have to repeat the circumstances and relive those moments. He said upon his return to work, he was also lucky to receive close support from one of his coworkers who was so impacted by what McGurrell was going through, that he decided to raise money for the cause and is now part of the team at 4Louis. McGurrell said for him, having that support made a significant difference.
In the time following the loss, Langley said one of the best things coworkers can do is ask how the person can best be shown care at that time.
“It’s about asking a question, because everybody’s going to be different. Everybody’s going to want to be supported in a different way,” Langley said.
“But you don’t know that unless you ask the question of what is best for them. But I don’t think anybody would ever be mad at anybody else if they said, ‘How do you want us to support you? Do you want us to come around for a couple hours or you want some time?’. Because then you’re going to do the right thing for the individual.”
Both McGurrell and Langley also emphasised the importance of allowing ample time to return to work following the loss, which varied greatly from person to person. While McGurrell found that returning to work provided a break for his mind, Langley said she felt pressure to return to work too quickly.
Langley was placed on bereavement leave rather than sick leave, which she felt ended up being an issue when she needed more time to recover. She eventually left the company.
“I’ve carried so much resentment over the way that I have been treated, I didn’t want to stay there. I didn’t want to be part of that company, because I no longer believed in its values.”
McGurrell and Langley highlighted the importance of having resources available to help colleagues coping with this situation, whether by making them aware of counselling services offered through the employer, support groups in the area, or charities that can offer aid.
Since 4Louis began in 2010, the charity has expanded from offering memory boxes to those who have experienced loss to offering corporate support and helping to organise events to raise money for the cause. Langley now works as project manager at 4Louis.
“I am in a much better place now than I was two years ago when Travis died. I found something that keeps my passion and my drive alive,” Langley said. “Within six months of losing Travis, I didn’t think I would still be here but I can look back quite proudly and say that I am still here, two years down the line. I come to work and I do usually have a smile on my face and I’m the one to say ‘Do you need a cuppa and are you okay?’. But I do that every single day with him in mind.”
This article first appeared on PA Future’s sister title Portfolio Adviser.
